4 Years ago my life changed forever. I lost one of my best friends, my big sister who I turned to for advice and a good laugh. She was hilarious, amazing, smart, crazy and most of all strong. She was a fighter and had been fighting a painful battle for years. I remember gathering in her hospital room every time something changed. She would tell me to crawl into her bed and snuggle with her. Even when I was 20 years old it never mattered. I would squeeze into that hospital bed and hold her hand while I cried. She always told me it was ok, she was going to be fine. She had a plan, it would all work out. No matter what she had a calming smile on her face. She was strong and fearless.
In the end she was put into a drug induced coma to numb the pain. As a family we had to decide to pull the plug on the machines that were keeping her a live. I have to admit despite the years of fighting I didn't think it would end like this. I really thought she would get better and go back to dancing. I dreamed of her holding my babies and being the amazing aunt I knew she would be. On that final day I remember all the regret I had. I let life get too busy, I didn't visit as much as I wanted to. I missed my sisters life. We each got to say our goodbyes. I admitted to her that we had decided to try for a baby- since the day I was married she had spent time rubbing my stomach "Keeping it warm for her future niece or nephew" she said. She never got to meet my kids on earth, but I know that she played with them and kept them company in Heaven. I can imagine this is why it took so many months of trying to be blessed with my little Taycee. I imagine another angel (or two) had to pry that little girl out of her arms because she didn't want to let go. Who would want to let go of sweet Taycee. :) I see a lot of Michelle in Taycee. She must have taught her so much before she came to me. From her silly faces to her love of dancing and music, I know she knew her aunt Michelle. She was of course named after her:)
After her death we were asked to put together memories we had of Michelle. The shock of her death was too much for me. I refused to let it register. I pretended she was still away at BYU. I didn't write down any memories. Admitting she was gone would only mean she was actually gone- and how could I live without her.
I have so many memories of my sister, it's about time I share a few. She was an amazing dancer. She took so many classes on the different types. From ballet to modern to clogging. I loved watching her dance. I always wished I could dance like her. I tried in high school but lacked her grace. She came with me on the pioneer treck to teach everyone clogging. We got to spend a lot of time together during that. She wrote me one of the sweetest note and I cried for a long time while I read it.
She loved to play jokes and embarrass me. More than once she stole my phone and sent text messages to my boyfriends (Or who she thought were my boyfriends) One time in particular she sent a few messages to one boy telling him how much I missed him and loved him... little did she know we had broken up the night before. We had a very awkward conversation the next day :)
She loved learning new things and I got to be the lucky one to try them out. When she went vegan she tried very hard to convert me as well- making me try all her funky recipes. She showed me how to cook regular recipes as well, maybe thats where I got my love of cooking? I did learn how to make some yummy split pea soup. She also made me try out a butt massage. Yes it sounds weird but it was amazing! And mostly not on the butt- she probably just called it that to scare me.
She loved animals- especially wiener dogs. When we had been married just a few months, we had decided Michelle would come live with us. We had this whole plan that we would get a family puppy. Unfortunately she got very sick following a surgery and didn't get to come live with us. But we still went through with the plan and got our puppy Spykle- of course he was the beginning to a very long stream of wieners in our family. When there was only 2 puppies she was in the hospital and hadn't met them yet. We didn't want her to miss out so we put them in our purse and snuck them into her room. She was so excited to see them. She hid them under her blanket so the nurses wouldn't catch us.
She was very strong, brave and not embarrassed of her illness. She smiled through all the pain always. She never let it show. She had some sweet friends who would throw head shaving parties when she was losing her hair. She bought a shirt that said "Who needs hair with a body like this" and wore it proudly. When her hair did come in she died it funky colors- she was just the right amount of crazy.
She was the best big sister I could have ever asked for. She constantly reminded me that life needs a little (or a lot) of silly. I miss her everyday and can't wait to see her again. I only wish she could have been here with us longer...
In the end she was put into a drug induced coma to numb the pain. As a family we had to decide to pull the plug on the machines that were keeping her a live. I have to admit despite the years of fighting I didn't think it would end like this. I really thought she would get better and go back to dancing. I dreamed of her holding my babies and being the amazing aunt I knew she would be. On that final day I remember all the regret I had. I let life get too busy, I didn't visit as much as I wanted to. I missed my sisters life. We each got to say our goodbyes. I admitted to her that we had decided to try for a baby- since the day I was married she had spent time rubbing my stomach "Keeping it warm for her future niece or nephew" she said. She never got to meet my kids on earth, but I know that she played with them and kept them company in Heaven. I can imagine this is why it took so many months of trying to be blessed with my little Taycee. I imagine another angel (or two) had to pry that little girl out of her arms because she didn't want to let go. Who would want to let go of sweet Taycee. :) I see a lot of Michelle in Taycee. She must have taught her so much before she came to me. From her silly faces to her love of dancing and music, I know she knew her aunt Michelle. She was of course named after her:)
After her death we were asked to put together memories we had of Michelle. The shock of her death was too much for me. I refused to let it register. I pretended she was still away at BYU. I didn't write down any memories. Admitting she was gone would only mean she was actually gone- and how could I live without her.
I have so many memories of my sister, it's about time I share a few. She was an amazing dancer. She took so many classes on the different types. From ballet to modern to clogging. I loved watching her dance. I always wished I could dance like her. I tried in high school but lacked her grace. She came with me on the pioneer treck to teach everyone clogging. We got to spend a lot of time together during that. She wrote me one of the sweetest note and I cried for a long time while I read it.
She loved to play jokes and embarrass me. More than once she stole my phone and sent text messages to my boyfriends (Or who she thought were my boyfriends) One time in particular she sent a few messages to one boy telling him how much I missed him and loved him... little did she know we had broken up the night before. We had a very awkward conversation the next day :)
She loved learning new things and I got to be the lucky one to try them out. When she went vegan she tried very hard to convert me as well- making me try all her funky recipes. She showed me how to cook regular recipes as well, maybe thats where I got my love of cooking? I did learn how to make some yummy split pea soup. She also made me try out a butt massage. Yes it sounds weird but it was amazing! And mostly not on the butt- she probably just called it that to scare me.
She loved animals- especially wiener dogs. When we had been married just a few months, we had decided Michelle would come live with us. We had this whole plan that we would get a family puppy. Unfortunately she got very sick following a surgery and didn't get to come live with us. But we still went through with the plan and got our puppy Spykle- of course he was the beginning to a very long stream of wieners in our family. When there was only 2 puppies she was in the hospital and hadn't met them yet. We didn't want her to miss out so we put them in our purse and snuck them into her room. She was so excited to see them. She hid them under her blanket so the nurses wouldn't catch us.
She was very strong, brave and not embarrassed of her illness. She smiled through all the pain always. She never let it show. She had some sweet friends who would throw head shaving parties when she was losing her hair. She bought a shirt that said "Who needs hair with a body like this" and wore it proudly. When her hair did come in she died it funky colors- she was just the right amount of crazy.
She was the best big sister I could have ever asked for. She constantly reminded me that life needs a little (or a lot) of silly. I miss her everyday and can't wait to see her again. I only wish she could have been here with us longer...
