I'm not the biggest fan of Valentines day. No I'm not one of those "this is a lame holiday created by hallmark" kind of people, in fact I actually used to like it. In elementary school it was a day for those cute little cards, making sure the "special" ones went to that one certain boy and of course lots of Candy. In junior high valentines day was the day I got my most memorable Boyfriend, who asked me to be his through a what could have been very embarrassing game of truth or dare- oh yes, this definitely happened. It was also a day to give my single friends big flashy lovey dovey gifts to make them feel special. High school the day changed into a day to be spoiled by my boyfriends- the most memorable being the year I was dating Seth. He REALLY spoiled me while we dated.
Our first two valentines days when we were married were far from exciting. Not on purpose, of course. Just being young and poor seemed to rain on our parade. The first year Seth was working late and the year after I was. The 3rd year of marriage was scheduled to be different. Little did we know it would be a day that changed Valentines day.
In November 2008, after months of trying, I was FINALLY pregnant. The first trimester was full of nausea and tiredness as expected. In February, after changing jobs and starting fresh, we excitedly prepared for our first valentines day as soon to be parents. For once we were not working on valentines day and had actually planned a date night.
February 13th, came quickly. After a long day of work I was getting ready to clock out for the day. Thats when I felt it. Something was off. I went into the bathroom only to discover a single spot of blood. 'it's only one drop, that happens right?' I thought to myself. I quickly went to my car. My mind took over at this point expecting the worst. Tears started streaming down my face - please keep in mind I was very hormonal pregnant woman. Seth sister happened to call at that moment. I answered the phone blubbering and told her what had happened. She of course told me to calm down and it was probably nothing. if I was worried just call the doctor.
So I did. All the signs of pregnancy were still there and they told me not to worry but they would see me on Monday. (This was a Friday) I called Seth at work and told him. He too told me to calm down. The doctor said it should be ok. I went to Seth's moms, where we were currently living. Of course by the time I had got there his mom and other sister already knew- news travels like wildfire in this family. My mother in law is quite the worrier. See you Monday was not good enough for her. She knew I was still worried and insisted I call back and say I could not wait and worry all weekend.
My fabulous doctor called back and said 'If you are that worried I won't make you suffer. Meet me at my office tonight and we'll do a quick ultrasound' Seth came home and we were off to the doctor, along with our mothers and Skye.
We talked and joked with the doctor nervously and then we got down to it. I'll never forget that first Ultrasound. We got to see that sweet little tiny bean inside my belly. I was 12 weeks at the time. It looked so cute in there. But something was missing. 'There's no heartbeat' The doctor said quietly. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart sank and the tears started once more. 'It appears this fetus is around 8 weeks.' I couldn't believe it. For months I had prayed for this little baby and after 12 sick weeks it was over.
After that one drop there had not been any more blood. My baby had died but my body wasn't letting go. My doctor suggested a D&C to remove the baby, since my body was not doing it naturally. It was scheduled for the following morning.
I spent the night crying in the arms of my sweet husband. February 14th we went to the hospital. It was a quiet morning. The tears had finally stopped but I didn't have much to say. I went through my then perfect health history with the nurse. Talked about family history and the death of my sister less then a year ago. Then they came in with the IV's. They asked me to count down from 10. I think I got to 7.
Next thing I knew I was waking up again. I turned to the nurse.
"Where is it?" I asked
"What?" The nurse replied.
"My baby? I want to see the baby."
"Oh... you can't see it, we've already taken it to the lab." she said typing on her computer.
My tears started up again as Seth and our moms came back into the room. Everyone assured me I didn't want to see it. But I did. I can't tell you exactly why. I knew it wasn't a complete baby. Only 8 weeks, but it was still mine and I still wanted to see it, but they wouldn't let me.
I got to go home just a few hours later. At home Seth had gotten me flowers. A few family members stopped by with more flowers. I felt empty and sore. From this day on I knew. February 14th would no longer be Valentines day. While others were out celebrating their loved ones I was mourning the loss of my much loved young fetus. This was my February 14th- anything but loving. Forever changing my thoughts on this "holiday"
Of course we'd never been ones to follow all the rules. The doctor told me to wait 3 months before trying again. So naturally at my 6 week check up I was 5 weeks along. :) 8 months later I got my baby I had been dreaming of. (Followed by a second) Of course I have moved on from that day but each year when the hearts come out I get a not so sweet reminder of February 14th 2009.
